realising I am gonna die
by racheyrachey
some more writing from Bill’s group…
I felt proud today. Proud in our check in that I could share this image of the moonlight flooding my room at night, floating on the ocean, sparking to out-shine everything and realizing then that I was going to die. That this was it. This was actually my life. And this was actually what I was doing with it right now. And that sometime, possibly very soon, I would die.
That then I wanted to really live - if this was it, if it was happening right now. I knelt on the floor to pray and nothing came extra for God that wasn’t there already. And I heard a voice and it said
“Its gonna hurt, that’s a guarantee. Its gonna fucken hurt”.
Felt my heart wide open, wide as the sea, for the inevitable pains.
And today I filled the room for a second with this moonlight glistening sea and felt everyone listening and felt proud and felt ashamed of feeling proud and then defiant. So what if I was maybe good sometimes at something.
